My 2023 Summer Obsessions
COVERALLS
Yeah, I know it’s summer, but blue-collar chic is a joy to witness. If fashion is art, and art imitates life, life will inevitably show up in our day-to-day fashion choices. I like the idea of treating fashion as cosplay of the average American worker. “This outfit is giving ‘nerdy librarian’.” “That dress is giving ‘1960s candy striper’.” I wish I could say my coverall obsession looks great on all body types, but my thick ass has yet to find a onesie that doesn’t make me look like Danny Devito in his Penguin fat suit. But for all you brave fashionistas out there who can pull off “chic mechanic” with some well-thought-out accessories, I salute you.
JAZZERCISE
I loathe cardio. Not only do I find it incredibly uncomfortable, but my fair-skinned Irish ass cannot take the heat. After ten jumping jacks, my blood vessels dilate faster than a 16-year-old in labor. Like a demon carving a message from inside one’s body, my engorged capillaries spell out the words FUCK YOU. I hate to exercise, but gurl, give me two grapevines followed by a jazzed-up box step, four side lunges, and an aggressive hand clap, and I AM SOLD because I loooooove to dance—LOVE! I am officially giving up the ghost; I will never enjoy traditional forms of exercise. I’m cashing in all my years of pointless gym memberships and failed CrossFit attempts and investing in a monthly Jazzercise membership. I want to march in place until my legs fall off. I want to relive my lovely childhood of neon spandex and Mousercise reruns. Take me, Jazzercise, I’m yours.
PEARL EXTRACTION VIDEOS
Think pimple-popping videos but with oysters. This fascinating ASMR-like practice is just as satisfying as it is controversial, so much so that some people create fake pearl extraction videos just to get views. Some argue that the controversy comes from the idea that pearl harvesting and extraction “hurts” the oyster, but that isn’t true. Oysters do not have brains or central nervous systems; they don’t feel pain. The controversy comes from killing oysters only to extract their pearls, much like poaching an animal for its tusks. There are “humane” extraction videos, and there are split-open-the-oyster-and-pop-out-the-pearl videos. Take your pick.
Fun Fact: Some vegans and vegetarians consider oysters vegan-friendly. Oysters are classified as animals—they have hearts—but some argue that they are more akin to plant life since they do not have a face, brain, or central nervous system. Disney’s animated retelling of The Walrus and the Carpenter begs to differ.
GETTING GUSSIED UP FOR BED
Despite its necessity for survival, I resent sleep. I have the sleeping habits of a feral 5-year-old; I don’t want to be unconscious. I want to be up, up up! Major FOMO issues. To soften the blows of forced unconscious, I hope to trick my brain and transform my bedtime routine into an EVENT—a fabulous, glamorous, star-studded party of one. Like getting ready for a party, I want to start treating sleep like THE hottest ticket in town, and only I’m invited. I will take time doing my makeup (an array of skin care products), styling my hair (two Heidi braids or Princess Lea buns), and slipping myself into long, luxurious nightgowns of the finest jersey knit. Maybe even a few dabs of perfume behind my ears or a thin silver anklet above my left foot. Chances are this obsession won’t last more than a few days, but I’m looking forward to exercising my best “Faye Dunaway as Joan Crawford in bed” impressions along the way. “I’m not actin’! I’m not actin’—”
SHIMMER
I admit I wore my fair share of casual body glitter in the late 90s. My go-to look consisted of alabaster powder foundation, black mascara, mauve lipstick, and silver glitter gel that I would liberally smear around my temples and upper cheeks. Think horse blinders, but with glitter. That was my face. I’m sensing a pattern of nostalgia in these summer obsessions, a need to revisit the past. Why shouldn’t that need carry over into my cosmetic choices? Here are some of my favorite “shimmery” products I’ve bought over the last few months.
IDENTICAL TWINS
I’ve been moderately obsessed with twins for as long as I can remember, since The Patti Duke show and Hayley Mills’ marvelous performances in The Parent Trap I & II (yes, there was a sequel, and it was glorious). I don’t think there is a more exciting acting challenge than being asked to play twins. Rachel Weisz’s dual performances in Dead Ringers are captivating, and if you’ve never seen Bette Midler and Lily Tomlin in Big Business, I don’t know how to help you. So many great performances out there. Armie Hammer in The Social Network. Christian Bale in The Prestige. Edward Norton in Leaves of Grass. (My husband would be sad if I didn’t mention JCVD in Double Impact.) If you’re into erotica, Author Miranda Silver is about to release the third installment of her Boys Next Door series—a hawt-as-hell read that revolves around a girl and twin brothers. ::eratically fanning myself:: You’ve been warned, Linda.
I could talk about twins for hours; I have so many recs and questions! In the meantime, here’s a fun read about twin fixation in art and culture.
HONORABLE MENTION
James Marsden, Hanif Abdurrakib, Facial Radiance Pads, Macro Management, Dry Erase Boards, Outdoor Dining Sets, archived Lady Gaga interviews, blue eye shadow, black coffee, Clinique skin care, Sam Levinson backlash, and self-taught expertise.
